Fire & Meat

So the holidays have pretty much come and gone. It was nice. Except a couple of things here and there. One of those is that we have a buddy who has some heart issues, but I think the going notion is that he should be (relatively) fine and dandy and out of the hospital before the new year starts. So yay for that.

The Eldest turns 12 tomorrow. ‘Mind Blown’ doesn’t even begin to cover it. It doesn’t seem like 12 years since she came into this world, gazing around the room without a single peep of complaint. But here it is.

I got a chainsaw! Of my very own! Finally, no more begging a fearful father to borrow one, and it never happening. Still, it’s been fun. The dads have been coming over and working on our massive mess of felled trees. We have ambitions of lining paths with logs, and low walls made of the same. It’s letting us get into the woods, or almost. Still a lot of work to do, and it’s not going to be done anytime soon. But a chainsaw. I’m still not sure I should be trusted with one, but so far I have all my bits and pieces still attached.

The fire pit has been getting one hell of a workout as well. All day, every day for at least the past week and a half. I’ve also started trying my hand a bit of (very) amateur blacksmithing. I’ve been working on heating some rebar, then trying to fish out to smash the crap out of it with a hammer. It’s still fun. And it’s a step back towards metalworking, which I have missed immensely.

It hit me about a week ago that I’m still haunted by things from the past. Or that things were actually far worse than I understood them at the time. I’m not really sure where it all came from, but it laid me low. I’m still not sure where I am in the whole mess. I honestly  thought that it was done and said. But now I’m sitting here, playing scenes over in my head. Again and again. I feel like meat. Chewed, used, and abused meat.

It’s not been a struggle to resist, but old habits of self-harm have been on the edge of my mind. The missus called to check on things in general (house, kids, chickens) and I told her I had been cutting logs, but initially my words had simply been. “I’ve been cutting.” And then hastily I added “Logs. Cutting logs.”

She knows. She knows me. And she’s still here. That keeps some of it all at bay. It also stomps down on the irrational thoughts of her suddenly being done with me, which I have never had in our entire time together. It’s still infuriating the way she can’t find a hamper for dirty clothes, or the sink for dirty dishes, and she also still seems to suffer under the erroneous thought that cabinet doors close themselves, but she’s still here. With me. For me.

And I really wanted some neat way to wrap up all of this, but that’s really all there is. I’m here, we are all still here, and we are about to bring in a brand new year. 2017 was overall a great one, but this last month has been complete and utter Hell.


Encroaching Darkness

I have no clue when I last posted here. Things have been busy, but honestly things get pushed to the side.

We ran a con LARP, Shadowrun. It was awesome. We had a good turn out and everybody was thoroughly engaged with playing. We managed a session of Call of Cthulhu, I Drank What?, and a bit of another LARP going on. A decent amount of drinking, but not too much.

I’ve been working around the house a lot. I’ve cleaned out a fair amount of stuff. Shit. Let’s be honest. There is so much shit and junk and crap in this house it is fucking insane. And while I haven’t hit the point of simply filling bags with things I grab, I’ve been collecting things that haven’t really been utilized anytime lately and just decided that it’s time for it to go.

I tried to do Nanowrimo. I didn’t even look at the site during the month of November. I don’t even feel like I failed since was doing things. Still, I’d love to get this story out of my head at some point though. Or stories.

I’m tired. I’m more than a little frustrated. It’s not quite one step forward, two steps back, but it’s also probably not far off. Honestly for the first time I feel like I’m making progress, but I also feel outnumbered in regards to people who actually give a shit around here.

I had a ton of other things that I wanted to write, but instead I feel like all I’ve done is pissed and moaned about my shithole of a house. Which looking back, seems rather accurate. Oh well.

Summer Luggage & Baggage

It’s been a busy one so far. And that busy got going before Summer even got here. There’s been plenty of late nights and camp outs at grandparents. We have trips planned for the bits to come; beach, Biltmore, and total blackness come the Apocalypse. Or eclipse, which is what most people call it. But let’s be honest, the sun being blotted from the sky, a tiny handed tyrant of an Oompa Loompa in the Oval Office, weather severely out of whack, yeah. It’s the End Times.

We’ve done a huge amount of cleaning. Okay, I’ve done a huge amount of cleaning. The missus does seem inspired by such, and has even taken to purging clothes she should have purged easily a decade ago. But that’s at least something.

It’s been so long since I’ve been by here that I’m not sure where I left off last time. Did I mention the ex contacting the missus? This is the girl I was seeing before seeing here. And the drama that all of that entailed… really isn’t a thing. But apparently the ex still seems to think so. After nearly TWENTY FUCKING YEARS. What the hell people?

While it seems she’s in a ‘good place’ (Whatever that exactly means) I honestly still pretty much think she’s a nutbar. I can’t help but think it’s all some ruse or trick on her part, her mad ranting and ravings have had no effect all those years ago. I imagine I didn’t emerge as unscathed as I’ve thought all these years. I don’t want to go so far as to say shit like trauma and what not, but when all of this contact first started I did have a couple of nights where I felt a need for liquid courage. Hmm.

I’ve been making the most of all my free time. Okay, I’ve been wasting a lot of time, but that’s been good as well. But game notes for all manner of games and tons of guitar practice has been a great way to spend the Summer.

Lagomorphs, Lion Fish, and LARP

I let the missus convince me to go to the local LARP, again. I got to say I agree that it was nice to see everybody. I got to also say that it might, might, be nice to get back into it and hang out with everybody again. Because honestly what I’d like to do is just hang out and chat about a lot of other stuff. Which happens at LARP. It’s kind of the penultimate in ‘hurry up and wait’.

I don’t know if I mentioned the rabbit. We finally got one. Her name is Honey and she’s a sweet little thing. The kids are still excited, especially the Beast. It’s something she’s wanted for years. The missus and I let her tear around the living room at night, after making sure the dog and kitten are out of the way. We have also noticed she’s not as gross as the cats. No hacking up hairballs, no smelly crap in the litter box. And she uses the litter box! No muss, no fuss. Speaking of Ms. Kitten, she’s keen on nibbling on Honey. There’s been a number of attempts on her part to get into the room with her and chomp down on her neck. For her part, Honey doesn’t seem to mind. Or notice for that matter.

We went to the Science Center today. The new aquarium is still as awesome as last time. The octopus was actually out and about, and even moved around their tank. The lion fish were doing there thing, looking beautifully menacing. The meerkats were also very active. The kids loved it. They didn’t love that we didn’t hit the gift shop, but I think all is forgiven.

And finally, ten days of school left. Ten days. Nine and half for me, but that’s not a big thing. The Eldest moves on from elementary school. It’s so weird. It doesn’t seem like she should be that old. It only seems like the other day, maybe a week or so at the most, that she was coming home from the hospital. A few hours ago she was starting school. I don’t think the time’s been wasted, it just seems to have gone far too quickly. I won’t even go into the Boy’ going into Kindergarten come the next school year.

“Sabe the Pig”…

I was putting the Boy to bed and came across an old stuffed animal he’s had for a number of years. It’s a pig, and it looks like it is made out of some bright pink, floral printed upholstery. It’s actually intended as a dog’s chew toy. Our dog has shown a tendency to chew on any stray stuffed toys he come across, and so we decided to get one the dog could chew on.

This did not sit well with the Boy. At the ripe old age of one and some change, he tromped into the kitchen where we kept the dog at nights. We were also putting the pig in so the dog could have at it. But no, the Boy had to “sabe the pig”. And he went on and on about how the pig was his favorite, and how he loved it.

And so it remains. He’s got it in bed tonight. He still loves it, he says. He’s still set on keeping the pig safe from getting chewed on. While he’s still young and there is so much more for him to become, I hope this is one thing that never changes.

Bunnies & Bunnies

I’m sure there’s a special Hell for this, but I’m eating a chocolate bunny while going back and forth and petting the new pet bunny.

I finally got the hutch situated. I then promptly spent an extra hour making additions in order to keep the new bunny in properly. All I need to do now is build a fence around the whole damn thing and she can have some running space outside as well.

We went to Florida over our Spring Break. Disney World, to be precise. It was a lot of fun. The last time we did that the Beast wasn’t even two. Now the youngest is five and they all had a blast. Granted, the Beast had too much fun, and we discovered she isn’t a roller coaster fan. The Boy is, but alas he’s still a might small for most of them. And it was the Beast’s birthday during the trip as well. Of course, on the way back the little brats are clamoring for a trip to a Great Wolf Lodge…

I’ve been applying to other schools, to see if I can get something just a bit closer to home. It would be nice if the commute wasn’t so much of one.

And now it’s off to watch episode 2 of American Gods.

Little Concrete Pig

It’s mine, all mine. Not that my siblings would want it. Well, maybe. I don’t care, it’s mine.

Probably one of the only positive memories I have of my grandma is that of the numerous flowerbeds around her old home. Looking back I think it’s safe to say they were her one true pride and joy. Full of all manner of flowers, all I can really recall after all these years are the roses. There were also several birdbaths, that I recall being full of water and birds. There was an apple tree right up against her house, but there was a plum tree among the garden beds as well. I remember eating my fill of fresh fruit on a regular basis during the summers.

And then there were the little concrete pigs. All whole family of them, the mother pig and her three little piglets. I think time has fairly well destroyed all but one of the piglets, and I’ve got it. I’ve given it a rough recoating of black paint, and I’m hoping to finish it off soon. Then I’m going to try and remember how the white played on it.

My grandma is still alive and kicking, and somehow she continues to become even more of a crotchedy old racist biddy as time marches on. But at least I will always have a few good memories. And a concrete pig.

I Need New Friends

Okay, that’s a bit mean sounding, isn’t it? It’s not that my current friends are bad, it’s just that they aren’t where I’m at. I could easily hang out with some of the guys more, but no. I need new friends.

I don’t know how to do this either. I’m just now hitting this realization. I can’t really relate to any of them, that much. And the ones I’d be interested in trying to further develop a friendship were always more acquaintances really. And the only common ground now would be having kids. I’m kind of pointedly trying to find some link outside of that. I love my kids, but I’m not my kids. There’s more than that.

I imagine I’m terribly picky, or nit-picky. I’m also probably hard to put up with, how the missus has done for almost 20 years is beyond me. I’m also having to come to grips with the reality that there really isn’t much to me beyond my kids. I like gaming, but that’s tricky enough as is, what with the kids. Plus most of the gaming crowd doesn’t have kids, so they are free to game whenever, where ever. Okay, there’s one of the friends who seems content to do this as well, but he’s self-absorbed. I’m not. I’ve at least got that going for me.

I’ve tried getting some writing groups going, largely at the behest of the missus. But those almost immediately fall through, again because of the missus and her inability to follow through on even three pages of writing. Unless she just doesn’t want to write with me, which admittedly is a valid option but it also smacks of late teen angsting over one’s love and devotion. Fuck that, no. I know she’s just more than a touchy flighty and that it isn’t personal.

I’m sort of at an impasse. I don’t really know where to go from there. Here. Where ever. I do know I need to move on though. I need to do something, find something, find someone outside of all of it and reconnect, but it honestly just looks like at present that’s impossible.

In other news I had kidney stone last week. I think I’d rather just up and die than go through that again. I’m still sore and achy from it. We have the big family trip coming up also, Disney World here we come!

Spring’s Dawning

It’s finally here. The weather is even starting to think about evening out here in North Carolina. Soccer is in full swing and the Boy is not acting like a complete goob now.

The Eldest is catching back up on school. I think finally giving some sort of medicine a go has been the best course. It’s a low dose. It’s been rather amazing to see her blow through homework, and to actually talk beyond some sort of muttered obligatory response.

I’ve been reading Dragonlance again. I got the new(ish) Lost Chronicles. I got to say it’s the sloppiest piss poor writing I’ve read since the first Chronicles. I’m not saying I’m disappointed, but I am they don’t seem to have gotten any better in thirty years.

I’m thinking I’m going to be giving the LARP a try. Or at least check it out. I’m feeling it might be a better fit than the other one. I’m pretty much just rambling at this point, I think I’m off the bed. I suck at this.

March, March, March

Is upon us. Spring is kind of already here.

I got a birthday coming up. Shit. I forgot for most of this year so far that I’m just now turning 38, and that I haven’t been there this whole time. I don’t think it’s so much a getting old and forgetful thing, but more than I generally don’t think about it. My kids love birthdays and they love to celebrate. So cake and stuff all around. I think I’m buying myself a hat.

I’ve always loved hats, but never really worn them. All it’s been for years has been ball caps, which I actually despise. But I got a derby a couple of year ago. I think I like interesting hats. My other issue has been my own head. It seems kind of big, and on top of that my hair is insanely thick.

The Boy got a haircut. And he seems to have my thick, unruly hair. I’m not sure what the change has been of late but I’m his favorite person at the moment. Or one of them. The Beast also got haircut, back to her short style she likes. She likes it so much she’s headbutted her sister over it.

I’m thinking of busting into the Missus’ V-day present, a complete works of Shakespeare. I’m not sure if I would start with Julius Caesar, but it would be fitting.